*Trigger Warning* This is about rape.  If this will negatively affect you, please stop reading now.
 
I wrote this in October 2018. Last year brought up so much of my past traumas, things I didn’t even realize I was still carrying.  It was fucking painful…. but has also allowed me to really work on these things.  I’ve lived with these in secret.  Carried this pain while pretending it didn’t exist.  It wasn’t until I said them out loud to a friend that I recognized I have been carrying this darkness with me for over half of my life.

I have been in an internal struggle weather I wanted to share this for the past 6 months…but I know that it is time to share. 

I spent years not speaking this because I was worried about him.  Worried about people who would know.  Never once taking into consideration that not sharing was taking so much away from my life and my happiness.  How internalizing this, created a space in my life that made me completely crazy. That by not sharing I was giving away my power.

I didn’t report because it was someone I loved.  A man I thought I was going to spend my life with. I now see that this moment changed me in ways I didn’t even know.  That I walked a darker path for years because of it. That ignoring it did so much damage.   
 
I had been drinking with someone I trusted with my life.  I said no…. repeatedly.  He still decided he was going to take what he wanted.  People saw, honked their horns, gave him a proverbial high-five as they drove by. 
They didn’t know that I didn’t want that.  I never wanted what happened to me.  It was a painful realization that I wasn’t even safe with the person I loved.  A person I thought loved and respected me.

I spent years listening to people talk about rape as something far off that couldn’t have possibly happened to someone they know.  I was standing right in front of them, but they didn’t know, and I wasn’t ready to tell them. 
I’m not sharing this for sympathy.  I am sharing this because it is part of my truth and it needs to be told.  It changed me….and is still changing me.  If one other woman who reads this doesn’t feel so alone that is all that matters to me.
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I am letting this go.  Sharing this is me taking back my power.  Accepting that I am not what happened to me.  From this moment I am stepping forward with my power, with the understanding that I am here because of this moment and being proud that I am no longer giving him my power.

Before I began this life changing journey I lived from negativity on the regular.  I was so stuck in the negative mindset that I didn’t even realize every time I focused on those things, I was asking the universe to send them.  You know what she sent me…. all those things.

We often forget that our words hold an immense amount of power.  What we think and speak are often the things that come into our lives.  When those things are not great things, we find ourselves saying, why me?

I began making a gratitude list about a year ago.  It has become one of my most powerful tools of manifestation.  Why, you ask?  It helps me stay aligned in the positive. To acknowledge all that I have to be thankful for.  It has helped me to bring my focus to all that I have.  To realize when I am living in a lack or scarcity mindset and provided me the ability to instantly re-frame and bring myself back to abundance.

Once I realized this, I decided to make this part of my weekly ritual.  Generally, I complete my gratitude list as part of my Monday morning routine.  I sit down after doing my Reiki self-treatment, pulling my cards and drinking my CBD latte and write a list of all of the things I am thankful for from the previous week.

This list always includes my family, my dogs, my husband, my friends, my clients, my home & car, clean clothes, laundry, and water.  Yes, these are things that I have in my life all the time.  I believe these are more important to be grateful for because it is so easy for us to take them for granted.  Putting these on my list every week helps me to be mindful of them.  To recognize that I have so much in my life even when it seems like I do not. 

I always make sure to add things I have purchased, money I have made and spent, plants, the weather, and the little luxuries I have.  I also always add trips I get to take and entertainment we’ve been able to have that week. 
Gratitude doesn’t have to be extravagant or flashy.  Your list doesn’t have to be filled with expensive items and trips.  It doesn’t have to include anything new. It just needs to be your list to remind you that your life is filled with great things and people.  A little reminder when life seems hard AF that you live in abundance and the moment will pass.
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Don’t wait to start your gratitude list.  Make one today! Show yourself all that you have in life. 
 
*This is not meant to disregard the difficult moments or lessons to be learned.  Just a reminder to help you find the good in your life and hold it in front of you regularly. *