Imposter Syndrome

We hear this phrase often, especially when you are a new entrepreneur trying to get started in your field.  Last week, I had a moment of pure happiness and I realized I’ve been feeling very happy for awhile now.  I also realized, that I question if I deserve this happiness every time I feel it. 

This brought up so many thoughts and feelings for me.  Like holy shit, I’ve been telling the universe I am not sure if I deserve to be happy.  What. The. Fuck.

Of course, I deserve to be happy, we all deserve to be happy.  To feel joy and peace in our lives, in our bodies, in ourselves.  I had to have a serious check-in with myself.  I am consistently talking to others about their worthiness and their desires.  Speaking about taking back your body and life.  Living the life, you desire.  If I am speaking to others about this and how much they deserve it; why am I questioning this for myself?

Queue imposter syndrome.  Whoa, turns out you can have this in other areas of your life. 

So, I sat down and spent some time with my feelings and thoughts around this realization.  Leaned into why I was questioning having something I worked to get.  I had to shed so many limiting beliefs to get here, to learn and love my body, to grow through some shit.  Why was I putting these feelings of un-worthiness out into the world?

The truth is I spent so much of my life living in this feeling of constant stress and worry.  I always saw happiness as this final achievement and something I was always going to have to chase.  I frequently felt like I didn’t deserve to be happy because being un-happy was some sort of karmic punishment I deserved.  These limiting beliefs are why I was still questioning if I deserved to feel this fucking happy.

These are things I have spent years working through.  I still have healing to do in this area.  This is okay! Healing is cyclical.  We continue to come back to the things we still need to heal.  This is how we grow, learn, and heal.

Now that I have this awareness, I have two choices.  I can ignore it and keep walking this tight rope of worthiness or I can dive in and work through this to figure out what I need to heal completely.
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I will choose the second option. I intend to spend some time journaling and really diving into why I am not 100% on board for my own worthiness to be fucking happy.  I will do this for me but also for all the womxn I am here to serve.  To ensure that I have the knowledge and ability to help them do the same.