Surrender

 As I was pondering my word for 2019 freedom really stuck out to me. I started thinking about what freedom means to me. 

Freedom from expectations of me as a woman, freedom from the patriarchal work mindset, freedom from debt, freedom from my own fears and doubts.  While I was thinking about all the thing’s freedom means I started to examine how to gain these freedoms.

What came up for me was the word SURRENDER.

As a previous perfectionist and a minor control freak, this word makes me a little anxious. It is not something I have ever been able to do.  Every time I attempted to surrender in any way, I would let fear grab hold and tell me I had to control it or fix it. Talk about some unhealthy ego issues.

I’ve really been trying to lean into surrender the past week.  Lean into the discomfort and anxiety that come up with surrender.  To examine what it really means for me to surrender.  In what ways I can surrender this year, and to set an intention around what I want to gain from surrender.

I have started journaling again this week and have been writing about fear and surrender almost daily.  It has given me a clearer understanding of why surrender causes anxiety and fear to come to the surface for me. I recognize now that it is my ego, that long held habitual belief that I can control the universe and make things happen by never giving away that control.  This was truly eye opening for me and has helped me really embrace surrender the past few days.

I recognize now that surrender doesn’t mean I am giving away any of my power or my voice.  That truly surrendering is actually quite peaceful and safe.  I have been reading Rise Sister Rise by Rebecca Campbell and I recently read the section on being held. It was amazing to look at surrendering the way she explains it. (Read the book, it is amazing)

Out of all of this I am moving forward with two words for 2019, surrender and freedom. I truly feel like they are synonymous as you cannot have one without the other.  I cannot wait to see where surrender takes me and the freedom it will bring into my life.

“If you let go, you get to grow.” Erin Stump, PeaceLove&Bubbly